Why was I bothering to regard these men with my patented envy? Why did I care? All I was here for was to get fixed up, and all these men were here for...was to fix me up. To think how they were better than me was a waste of time, time that I might not really have, and a waste of energy that had already been burned out. But I’ve always been so prone to that envy, always seeing how I didn’t measure up. Even laying here in my chic hospital gown, I could not find enough in myself to be satisfied. ”“But you knew what she wanted right. I mean she told you that right.”“No, she told me to come over and I went. I knew what would happen if I did, but on some level, oh heck, on a lot of levels I wanted to. I mean when she tells me to do those disgusting things. When she makes me do those terrible, wrong and degrading things, well at the time it just feels so right, like it is what I am meant to do. I am sorry I can’t explain it. I mean I feel awful afterward. I feel dirty and I know it is. More

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