I’m not depressed. Relieved. Happy even, if that’s at all possible. Fear of loss is so much harder to bear than the loss itself. I ache each day f...r him but it is nothing compared to the ache I felt when he was alive. Don’t cry and don’t pretend you too are not a little relieved. Who’s being cruel? You held my boy at arms length, fearful to get too close. He accepted me as I am, as only a child can, and you could not. And always, always you let the fact he was not yours get in the way. We’ve. Once there I parked up and waited. It was a dry and reasonably warm night, if there is such a thing in this country. There was a couple of cars already in situ but again I didn’t want to get out, I just made sure my doors were locked and I was safe inside. There can’t be many lone females that go to these sorts of places. After a while a guy came up to my car. I think he tried the door straight away but then just stared in the window. My heart was trying so hard to break free from my chest but. More

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